HI DEAR READERS!
HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING FOR QUITE AWHILE! :x
"You don't say~" -insert trollface-
Finally don't have to wake up 6am everyday and spent like most of my day in school!
Hate to say this but, Ikindofmissschool
Everyday wishing that time will pass faster so I can graduate faster.
But when I finally graduated, I realise that I actually miss waking up at 6am to get ready for school.
Pretty sure that everyone feels the same way too. :p
This is why I totally agree with THIS picture below.
-looks down-
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| SEE! You agree with this picture too eh! :D |
Before graduation, this [look below please :)] is what you feel everyday.
But after graduation, you realised you actually miss school because its the only way where you can see your friends and favourite teachers everyday.
During holidays, its like so damn hard to meet up with each other! Busy with work, travelling and etc.
Now, let's get on with what I initially wanted to post about.
[Ps. I get sidetracked easily. :x]
I wonder everyday.
"Why can't life be less complicated?"
"Why are there so much hurt, pain and tears everyday?"
"Is there a solution to end all these pain?"
People say this is what FRIENDS mean.
But are they even true?
How many of your friends actually accomplished any one of these following points?
You don't know how much I wish for this everyday of my life.
But wishes never comes true.
'Everyday I cry myself to sleep at night. Wondering why can't I have one real friend?'
People say its because of the way I act.
& I wonder why.
Why is the blame always pushed on me?
Sick & tired of having to paste that fake smile on my face everyday of my life.
But what else can I do to let each and every day pass?
People always say
"Be careful who you share your weaknesses with. Some people can't wait for the opportunity to use them against you."
I never understood why. Until I experienced it for myself.
Not once, but thrice. Or even more.
Many of you may think I'm naive.
"You have already been backstabbed once. How can you trust the same person the second time?!"
I admit, I AM naive. Because I believe everyone deserve second chances.
But I realise. Some people just never treasure their chances, instead taking it for granted.
Chances after chances. Soon I realised, no matter how many chances I give, nothing will change.
Everytime, when our friendship was ruined.
You could find any excuses to push the blame of our ruined friendship on me.
Lies after lies. Criticisms after criticisms. Soon, the truth was buried.
Everyday, I wonder.
"Why do you want to ruin my life so much?"
I could never understand why.
I had friends. But they never last. Because like what everyone did, they chose to believe the rumours over me.
"Never trust rumours." you say.
How ironical. When you did something that you said you'd never do & I wished you never did.
Being betrayed by people around me so many times.
Yet I still choose to believe them again and again.
But this vicious cycle never ends.
I don't know who can I trust, who to not trust.
Its just so hard.
I just wish I wasn't so afraid to trust.
Not knowing who I can really talk to, about everything.
Just wished that life was less complicated, less dramatic and less problematic.
The world that we live in, is nothing but empty promises that was constructed by liars.
Every knife you threw, was a stepping stone for you to rise.
Never gave a thought about others feelings, yet claiming that I am self-centered.
Every lie you spread, every rumour you set, was nothing but a platform for you. To gain popularity.
To say I'm tired of how I live my life, is an understatement.
How I wish I could turn back time.
I wish I never knew you.
I wish you never existed in my life.
Everytime, I have to compromise.
Everytime, I have to try to make things right.
But I'm tired of trying.
I'm sick of crying.
I may be smilng, but inside, I'm dying.
Everytime I trust someone, they always show me why I shouldn't.
All those lies, pain and tears.
I'm tired.
But what can I do?
Other than accepting it and moving on.
I only exist when my 'friends' need me, for company, for a helping hand, a punching bag or a listening ear.
But where are they when I needed them?
Its weird, but its true.
I have to make the choice that makes everyone happy.
Not the one that makes me happy.
To make people happy, choices have to be made, decisions have to be done.
The pain, the anger, the hurt, the tears.
Reality is always standing in the way of my happiness.
But, reality is the truth.
It slaps me out of my dream of happiness.
Because, its impossible to find happiness with fake people surrounding me.
"Best Friends Forever" must be the biggest lie ever.
Its never true. Never lasts in the long run.
I'm always replaced by their new friends.
You may think I should be used to it by now.
But I ain't. I FEEL.
I'm just another human being with feelings.
I wish I had a switch for my feelings.
A simple flick of my finger, and I won't be able to feel.
All those pain.
Life might be better.
Because there's no one I can trust.
No one I can believe in.
No one I can depend on.
Secrets can't be told.
Because behind every smile of yours, is another way for you to backstab me.
I distance myself from people, because I know.
In the end, they will leave.
I have changed, because I have no one to depend on.
But myself.
Between my friends.
How can I differentiate who is true, who is fake?
How can I know who to trust, who to not trust?
I can't.
So I want to distance myself, to prevent myself from getting hurt.
But what can I do, when I keep letting people in and let myself get hurt?
People say there are 10 tips to be happy.
1. Let go. Forget the burdens of the past. The past cannot be changed, so use it to make the future yours.
2. Be whoever you want to be. Don't live your life how other people want you to.
3. Think positively. No matter how bad a situation, something good will come from it.
4. Remember that everything happens for a reason. When the reason reveals itself, it will blow you away.
5. Change. Learn and grow as a person, become the best person you can and want to be.
6. "Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves." Care for the small things and the big things will happen as a result.
7. Build relationships. Form friendships, see the good in people, share your life with them and tell them all of your secrets.
8. Live your life with purpose. Set out to achieve something and do it. The feeling of accomplishment is empowering.
9. Take responsibility. Don't blame your mistakes on others, don't blame others when things don't go to plan. Accept that it happened.
10. Smile. A lot. Smiling releases endorphins that make you feel better instantly. You'll feel happier.
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Easy to say. But hard to accomplish.
1. How to let go of the past, when it stays forever engrained in your memory?
2. How to be whoever I want to be, when I'm constantly judged for my actions.
3. How to think positively when everyday I hear is negativity?
4. How to believe that the reason for everything will be revealed?
5. How much must I change for it to be finally enough?
6. How will the big things happen when no one notices how much I care for the small things?
7. How to form friendships when all I get is betrayal? How to share my secrets when its another way to be backstabbed?
8. How to achieve something when credit is always taken away from my grasp?
9. How to accept that it happened when the blame is always pushed on me?
10. How to smile when there is nothing for me to be happy about?
People always think "As long as I apologise, everything will be alright."
But the pain and tears that you caused, can never be taken back.
Everytime I wish I could get out of this hole of shit & darkness & depression.
But how?
What is the way out of this pain & tears?
Every night, I cry myself to sleep.
Thinking.
"Am I not good enough?"
"Is this the reason why I am always being betrayed by my 'friends'?"
Sometimes, what I can do is to just walk away, hide my tears and pretend that I'm okay.
But sometimes. just sometimes, I wish that someone would realise that I'm not okay.
Because. No one ever cares.
Maybe, just maybe, I can have a better life & friends in Poly. :)
A girl can just wish.
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